at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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