I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
