mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
