My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
