I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
