just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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