our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Randomize
