Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
