She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
