Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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