I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
