if i can run in heels then i can drive
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
