I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
