Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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