My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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