I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
