i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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