remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
