Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
