I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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