I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
