she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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