GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
