So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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