dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
