her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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