She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
