her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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