My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
