I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
