You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
