Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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