You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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