dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
