Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
