In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
