My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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