sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We need to feng shui this bitch.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
