I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
