if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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