After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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