its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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