Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
