Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
