Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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