batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
