I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
