I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
