What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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