All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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