she woke up with a sticky ear
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
